Yesterday was Queen’s birthday, and all didn’t go as planned. First of all, I will admit I was irritable from the beginning of the night. My sinuses were all crazy, I was so stuffed and my head killed me.

We started the night at her friend’s place and his girlfriend, dinner and drinks. My overall attitude could have been better, but I tried to just shut my mouth and go with the flow. As we were getting ready to leave my nose and head killed me, and I found myself left alone in the kitchen while the three were downstairs picking out an outfit for the friend. My patience was lost for a few moments, and I left the house to wait in the car.

We got to Queen’s apartment as her friends were arriving. Her brother who I contacted a few days earlier came and surprised her. I was really sad. I was really missing my Jersey friends. I went into the bedroom for a little bit, what Queen called an hour this morning I think was only 30 minutes. I called one of my best friends from Jersey. I just had to let it out. I cried and it helped. I returned to the party and Queen was having a good time with her friends. I wish the visual made me feel good, happy for her, but it only made me feel more sad. I feel so selfish today for that.

As the night progressed I did warm up a bit. I talked to some of her friends and had some meaningful conversation. Everything was going well until it came time for everybody to leave for the club in Hartford. Queen’s brother’s girlfriend talked me into going out last minute, and I mean really last minute, as in most people were already out the door. As I searched for my purse everybody actually left Queen and I at the apartment. Saying that she was pissed doesn’t begin to describe the following events. Queen blamed me for everybody leaving, though at the time wouldn’t give a single specific reason for her claim. I quickly got in contact with her brother and friend, the friend said he’d come back to the apartment. Queen was yelling and went into her bedroom and punched her drawer. To top it all off, she kept saying that she wanted to break up.

Long story short, what progressed that night was something that has changed our relationship, at least for now, and for my anyway. I have never been so embarrassed in my life, and so torn down by words from a person who I am in love with. All in front of about 5 friends of Queen’s. Not only was my heart ripped apart from her words, but her friends did nothing to stop it. I know that they don’t owe me anything, but damn my best Jersey friends would’ve called me out for acting a fool. I almost feel like they fed into it for not saying anything. Queen obviously had too much to drink, and one friend kept feeding her more drinks! I couldn’t believe this shit. It literally made me sick. I have never had such anxiety to where I throw up. I just cannot get out of my mind Queen threatening to hit me if I didn’t leave her alone. I went into the bedroom and Queen would come in and tell me that I wasn’t trying hard enough, and that if I love her I’d come out to the living room (where I had just been murdered by words in front of some of her “best” friends). I went back out to the living room once, she didn’t even want me to look at her.

I have never felt so emotionally abused. On top of that, this morning she kept refusing to come to NYC. The trip I had been planning for weeks now, and spent almost $600 on. Long story short again, her brother told her to apologize to me. She did and it did feel sincere because she said it a few times. But my heart is still heavy today and my anxiety isn’t significantly better than last night’s. At this moment we are on the bus to NYC. This trip is suppose to be wonderful, but it feels weird because of last night. Queen and I talked only briefly (in my opinion) about the events of last night, and how they’ve hurt each of us. By the way, Queen still swears her friends leaving her was my fault. That hurts beyond belief.

I don’t know how to move on from here. I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle these extreme emotions Queen has. She’s so outgoing, so much more outgoing than I could ever be sober. But Queen is also greatly emotionally damaged for various reasons involving family, past experiences in relationships, among other things. I told Queen today that I fear not being able to meet her expectations. And in my opinion, she didn’t understand the true depth of that statement.


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